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Gay Mormon Missionary Stories

Posted by ldsrecon on October 20, 2007

The LDS Reconciliation Blog has moved.  Please visit to add your comments.

We are interested in gathering a group of gay mormon missionary stories. Please feel free to comment on this post and add your personal story as a gay mormon missionary. Your story will most likely be interesting but may very well help another youth who is trying to decide whether he should go on a mission and serve the church. We look forward to your post.

For further information about our group visit Gay Mormon LDS Reconciliation at


34 Responses to “Gay Mormon Missionary Stories”

  1. amanda said

    Do you not see that being gay goes against what the bible teaches. To be close to the Lord and walk in His will where He will bless you can not be living in sin. And clearly if you are admitting to living a sinful life (being gay)you are living separated from God and can not reap any of His blessing,or continue walking joyfully in His will. Now I hope that you know that I am not claiming to be perfect but also know enough to call the sin in my life SIN!

    • DeadTake said

      I am a Mormon of the LDS Church. I follow all the rules…well ok sometimes i slip. Im a a very honest person and I have a very good understanding of all faiths. I can defiantly say anyone religion is not the true religion. They is no true religion in this world only one religion is the nearest to the truth. Homosexuals should not been shunned from family and never oppressed on as a sin! As scientists have told it is a human error just like a serious ill metal person yet you would NEVER shun then from a family. We must all face the fact that Jesus never said anything which I can find about being Homosexual and these old testament and new testament and yes the book of Mormon are all old ways from the past where homosexual was frowned upon because they had no understanding of it.
      So next time you start commenting about something this fragile please at least be considerate and do some research. Also if you did do some research. Please have look what happens to these poor fellows and ladies who are shunned from the church for being homosexual and how hard they try to control there emoticons. To extreme lengths where there very lifes are at risk.

  2. As an older person, I feel more at liberty to discuss an ” adventure ” which happened a long time ago in one of the european missions.
    As a young convert, I fell deepely in love with one of the missionaries in our town ( who didnt, he was gorgeous ! ). He eventually became aware of my feelings. and one afternoon, when his companion was in bed with the flu, we had a pretty heavy make out session in the basement of the ” church ” building. Later, when I arrived in the US as a resident, I found this person very married with several children living a lie, trying to convince every body ( himself mostly ) that he was happy. Truth of the matter is that he was not fooling any one but himself. I know the church must have pressured him in every way possible to marry and ” change his ways “, and like so many others, he gave in sacrificing his entire existance to conform to the will of the Elders. I guess I was not that courageous and fled to Los Angeles to be honest to my true identity , that of a gay man and proud of it. The time has come for us to stand to the church for our dignity.

    Love to all my gay LDS brothers and sisters

  3. Jessica Danner said

    This is one issue that I have yet to resolve in my mind. I am LDS but consider myself to be very open-minded on issues. My thing is I believe that people do not always “choose” to be gay, infact, why would they if they knew the persecution that would arise….so if people cannot help it then what are they to do? If you are not arracted to woman how do you start and vice versa? I don’t not believe someone can become “un-gay” by taking a class or being shown numerous photos of the opposite of sex. However, I believe that it is not God’s will to be gay. I believe that He wants us to have children and we cannot deny that we would not all be here today if it were not for a man and woman. I do however think that there is a purpose behind it all and maybe all the gay people will have another chance to repent if not in this life in the spirit world. No one can deny that being gay is not a choice. If it were, how easy would it be for those wanting to be straight. This issue is very hard for me to understand, but maybe we all have something we need to overcome…..either way, I feel that condemning them for their actions is NOT the way and I do believe they deserve to have equal rights…

    • DeadTake said

      I would like to mention that looking at pictures of the opposite sex would not turn you un-gay! Infact homosexuality is all psychological. It is all in ya head and the most simple way of stopping thoughts of gay thoughts is to find your true love for a women because we are supposed to be with women.Gay people show off there homosexuality to other people why because it is attention seeking and they believe everyone is against them. So they seek protection and love which natually men are supposed to supply but only for women but men are good at persuding people. Gay is all psychological it affects in different ways but is psychological trust me.

      • joe said

        How do we not know the gay men are not sent here to help with the birth rate? I know that if everybody was heteralsexual, I know that this earth would be more over populated that it is now.

        Everybody tells me to read the bible and I am in the process of reading it and I have not seen anything in there as of yet that says, “Homosexual is against Gods law.”

        I think that we need to sit down, study, not just read, but study the scriptures and learn how to study. Don’t take things out of content and understand that the bible has been translated from many different laungages and we will not really know until we die and meet our makers.

        We also need to know and understand that the bible is just a tool and not something we need to live our life page to page, word to word. If we were to live our life word to word, we would not be where we are now and we would only have one language, not many.

      • DeadTake said

        I would like to Tear DOWN my comment. I was indeed very wrong. I have been through a very tiring time in my life. I was very wrong homosexuality is not a mind problem. It is our very bodies it is a what some say an error within us and I say personally no. It is us it is what makes us who we are and sometimes we meet people who we cannot just get along with us that’s life. For any gay Mormons who read this I just want to say you can talk to me DeadTake at I promise you all talks are just between me and you. I have met some missionaries who are most likely go through a very hard times coping with their sexuality’s because they never get chance to see what they like man or women.

        I believe they is a god. I believe that they has been too much added to the bible and too many people thinking that god would want us to do this and that because he wouldn’t. He wants us to do individually whats right in our hearts NOT anyone Else’s. If they would be indeed a Mormon fellow who is gay and is going to be homeless and from his home I would never say to him go and be gay somewhere else. I would gladly take him in with caring arms. Because I know being gay is ok and I think I have a good understanding how god really wants us to live.

  4. ldsrecon said

    While I don’t have all the answers, I feel that being gay is something I agreed to and possibly even covenanted with God about before this life as a part of his plan. Seeing how the world react to the gay population may just be one way god test the world to see if they will follow His teachings, such as “Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself.” With out the gay community there is less opposition by which to be tested. We are taught that there must be opposition in all things. I have a deep sense that being gay is a part of Gods plan. Thanks for your comment.

  5. Jay said

    As a return missionary I look back at the 2 years as the most amazing time of my life, I was in training to go on a mission from the time I was born, my Mother and grandmother would always call us there little missionaries, I have 2 brothers you see only a year apart, I looked forward to to having the opportunity of serving a mission, knowing that I was gay but not wanting to believe it.To face the terrible truth of not being able fulfill this life long family dream was paralizing, I didnt feel comfortable expressing that I was gay, I was so ashamed, I fasted at least 3 times a month and prayed every night to heavenly father to please take this away from me, help me be straight. This fasting and prayer continued throughout my mission, which I served with honor. With no change, My relationship with god is constant, and what I have come to understand through the scriptures is that no one can understand until it is happening to them, Christ knows how I feel he felt it in the garden, only he knows and can judge, our purpose on earth is to love god and our neighbor, to have a relationship with god is personal, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I have been to the temple and taken on the covenants and the preisthood. Now I have to live with falling short of my commitments. If I had the strenght as a young man to disappoint my family by being truthful, I would not be judged for the covenants I made and have now broken. That I will workout with the lord. I love my family, and am so thankful they love me. In the name of Jesus Christ amen

  6. Jeanene Vomocil said

    As a former reading lab director, I could follow children from first through eighth grade, and identified two children when they were first graders as gay, and then say them later as gay adults. I also have a gay family member whom I knew as a young child was born into the wrong body. None of them chose to be what they are, they were born that way. The church leaders need to learn these things from people who know. My family member tried suicide twice before being reconciled to their sexuality. I let the missionaries who come into my home know that this is a “gay-friendly” home, and they aren’t allowed to use anti-gay language.

  7. Jyred said

    I have the same problem as Jay, but I am not a returned missionary, I am sixteen years old and struggling to become straight, but I don’t know how. There has been alot of pressure put in lately, my eldest brother is going in a mission, and my parents are expecting me to do the same, but i know that I have to be worthy to serve a mission and not have these kind of temptations while I’m in the mission field. I last Sunday I was asked to serve a the 2nd Assistant to the Priest Quorum and since then I have been doing my best to not give in to any of the temptations I have been experiencing. I must admit that I have given in to many, and don’t feel proud or happy in any way. I just need to pray always like Jay did and stay in the right path.

    • Ken said

      I grew up in the church, I prepared the best I could for my mission, but I was always gay. When I was 16 I felt very similar to you (I imagine). I wanted to badly to be straight. It took a lot of prayer and fasting to avoid “temptations.” I finally went on my mission, and about 6 months in I told my mission pres that I was gay, always had been and please let me leave to over come my gayness. Well…I went home, went to counseling for almost a year. I went to the temple, avoided temptations, went to church regularly, then one day told my heavenly father that I couldn’t do it anymore. I tried to kill myself, didn’t work (obviously, and thank goodness). I went to my therapist and told him I didn’t want to be gay anymore, I didn’t want to struggle, to feel like the temptation of sex and boys was going to kill me….And he said something interesting to me. He asked me what I thought my heavenly father wanted most for me. I said I wanted me to be happy. He asked me if I was…duh…I tried to kill myself. Then he asked me if I wanted to try to just be happy. That was a no-brainer! And so I stopped trying to hate myself for being gay. This might sound stupid, but I prayed to heavenly father and told him what I was going to do. I told him I was sorry if it was wrong, but I also knew he wanted me to be happy. I also asked him to help me to understand if my decision was right. Let me tell you what happened next…. I told my siblings, my friends, (not like a huge announcement, but as the time was appropriate. I told my parents (who already knew I was gay) that I had decided that this was who I was, and that this was the way I would always be. They were very supportive, everybody. I never felt empty, I never felt wrong. My relationship with Heavenly Father is okay. I met my partner 14 years ago, and like every relationship we have our problems. (BTW, we have been together longer than most of my siblings, they were married in the temple, but one married a child abuser, one married a guy that left for another woman, one has been married 3 times. Me I am happy…. and you can be too.
      Just remember you can’t become straight, no more than your older brother can become gay…

      Keep your chin up. heavenly father loves you……ALWAYS

      • joe said


        Thank you so much for that. I really appreacheat that big time. I am in the same boat with you. I have an older brother that was married, had four kids and now divorced. His wife left him for another guy and the same with my sister, divorced, husband with another female and my mother is divorced for the second time.

        My partner and I have been together for 13 years and I am very very happy. We do argue like cats and dogs, but we talk thing over and found out that when that doesn’t work, we leave for about 1 to 2 hrs. come back and talk again.

        We just bought a house and can’t be happier than ever. I talk to God everynight without fale and in the morning as well and ask him things and thank you for everything that he has ever given me. I find out that when I ask him, I may not get what I want right then and there, but I will get it, it take some work on my part most of the time.

      • Steve said

        Very well put. I served my mission for 2 years. I have had homesexual tendencies every since I can remember, yes even as young as 5 years old. Never did I act them out because I had wonderful parents who guided me in the right direction through the church. When I served my mission, yes I still had tendencies and had crushes on other missionaries and companions but always controlled my desires. When I returned from my mission and went out on my own. I prayed and prayed and cried to my Heavenly Father and the answer that I received was to just let go and be myself. When I stopped being someone I wasn’t and be myself and be gay, I felt the world was just taken off my shoulders. My relationship with my Heavenly Father is even stronger now than it was when I was in the church. I’ve been happily living with my lover for 23 years and never have we disrespected each other and we both love each other as if it were our first day we met. Remember one thing, its not religion that will save you, its your personal relationship that you have with your Heavenly Father that counts and the love you show toward your brothers and sisters in this world. How can any church in this world know the laws of God and how we should live our lives. We all have a destiny in life and the church should not be the one to control that destiny.

  8. Brennan hays said

    I agree that being gay is not something you’s who you are. I’m 13 years old and I know I’m gay. But I have absolutely no idea how to tell my parents. And I know if I do they’ll tell me not to go to church. Or they’ll tell the bishop who will tell me not to come. It hurts inside everytime the missionarys come over and will comment on some gay man they saw and then make a horrible joke about it. I almost yell out loud ” hello! I’m gay!”. I love god and know he existist I just wish the church would learn to be more understanding. And would find some way to help gay Mormons. Because if they don’t I don’t know how much longer I can Continue pretending.

    • DeadTake said

      Dear child i feel your pain and the only way you can help yourself is talking to people using the internet who have the same problems you have. You must remember that homosexual mormons who practice meaning actually kissing or having gay sex will be kicked out of the church. So you must be carful what you do and the dicision must be well thought of. I always strongly agree that homosexuality is all psychological sojust play it save.

    • Ken said

      Hey Brennan…
      Find someone you feel comfortable talking to. Do you live in an area that has a gay and lesbian resource center? Look for a group called PFLAG, they may know how best to help. PFLAG stands for “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.” You can also talk to your doctor if you have questions or need help finding a place to feel safe. I don’t know what part of the country you live in, but there are alot of resources out there… Remember…there are gay people everywhere, you aren’t the only one…. 🙂

    • Steve said

      Yes, young man, just be yourself, although play it safe. Your still a young man. You can’t help what you feel, but don’t fight your feelings either. There are so many resources out there for you. Don’t say anything that will cause you more harm while your still young. Your parents Im sure love you very much and the church will only try to convence you your not gay. So look for resources for gay teenagers out there. Im sure there are many groups willing to help you out. When you get older and on your own then it may be the time when you can sit down and talk to your parents.

  9. theaggieinsurgency said

    This post is slightly off topic, so please forgive me. However, I have been researching a writing a series of blog posts regarding the effect of California’s Proposition 8 on non-Californians, particularly gay and lesbian couples in my small Texas university town who took advantage of the narrow window of marriage opportunity in California this past summer and fall. I decided to do so after finding out that two faculty/staff members at the local university, one of whom is a former Mormon bishop, gave thousands of dollars to the Yes on 8 campaign. I found it intriguing that some members of my campus community find the legality of their marriages threatened by other members of the same community–far away from the battleground over gay marriage in California.

    If anyone is interested in reading what I wrote, or contributing information or just your thoughts, please go to:

    I’d like to hear from you, regardless of your opinion on the blog. I’d especially like to hear from former LDS missionaries who have been legally married (or “civilly unioned”).

  10. AlanW said

    It saddens me to read the stories of the 16 and 13 year old young men who are afraid to tell parents they are gay. I hurt for you and know exactly how you feel. I went on a mission to Switzerland and France when I was 19 years old. I knew then that I was gay and hoped that somehow God would help me change if I went. I prayed day and night that I could change. It didn’t help. After I came home I dated and got married, I have three kids. I knew all along that I am gay but again thought God would help me overcome. Again it did not work. Last year I got together with a former missionary that I knew on my mission, he too is gay but never got married. We have fallen in love and I have come out to my family. I am now divorced and have hurt many people. I feel bad about it but I have never been more happy in my life. I do not have to live a lie anymore. I am comfortable in my life and happy I can share it with another man. Please know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are still sons of God and He loves you. You need to do what makes you happy. I had a brother who was gay and he also got married and had five kids, he has since committed suicide. That is not a way out. Your parents love you and, yes, it will hurt them to know that you are gay but in time they will come to accept it and more importantly you will come to accept it also. Be strong!!!!!
    any questions email me at

  11. ken said

    I am not gay. I served a LDS mission years ago and had this expirence. One of my missionary companions was gay and he made a heavy advance on me.He crawled into bed with me one night and got a bit too close. The next day he was sent home and I was transferred to a new area.I tried to put that out of my mind but it stuck with me.My mission president or leaders did not see fit to address any effects that the expirence had on me.I felt used and cheated but those feelings did not come out until many years later.I completed my mission fine but wondered what I may have done to cause this missionary to think that I was also gay. It does not really bother me but I think it would have been good if I had gone thru some counceling back then.

  12. Sam said

    I struggled for years wondering if I should serve a mission or not. I grew up in the church in an active family, but have struggled since the age of 11 with same gender feelings. I decided to serve a mission and got back a year ago. It was the best experience of my life. I hope all young men in my situation will go. My attraction to men is still there…and probably will always be. However, I was happier during those two years than I have ever been. Keep yourself clean and go. You won’t regret it.

  13. Jackson said

    I have been gay since I went into Junior High. I had a crush on a girl for 4 years all throughout Elementary and I realized I had no more attraction to her as soon as I went into the 7th grade. I don’t know how it happened or the exact moment I felt nothing more for her, but those feelings for a member of the opposite sex were quickly replaced with feelings for my own sex. I started viewing other boys my age as attractive and I even developed a crush on one. I’ve since then developed on and off attractions to guys I know, including the worst which is currently my cousin who just returned off of his mission a few months ago. I’ve kept these emotions hidden. And yet through these 4 years since all of this started, I have never found another man who is gay. I live in an area where there are virtually no people that “come out” and divulge their sexual orientation because by doing so would result in social suicide. I am 16 years old now and I wish with all my heart this would have never happened. I don’t want to be gay, I don’t want to have to break it to my parents or anyone, and I am completely hopeless… I want to serve a mission, I want to be straight, because I am completely living a lie and I fear I will have to for the rest of my life. I could not bear to see the looks I would get if people knew. I feel a huge burden on me and I don’t believe it’s possible to relieve myself from it. My parents are always telling me I have great potential. I am a straight A student and I am very talented in ballroom dancing. I even placed in the top 12 in the nation a few weeks ago. Even with all these talents and amazing things happening in my life. I would kill my parents dreams for me if I told them what I was.

  14. Albert said

    I am a 75 year old former member of the LDS Church. While I did not leave the Church solely because I am gay, social integration for me was very difficult, since I knew from a very early age (4 or 5) that I was attracted to the male form. I was also very shy, and while I don’t think I was very effeminate, I was not an athlete and avoided athletic endeavors as much as possible. I emotionally left the church at about 15 or 16 when the hormones began kicking in. I formally left it in my 30’s as a matter of conscience (the LDS church still discriminated in the restriction of the priesthood privilege to non-africans)

    I was frequently guilt-ridden because of the way the general society and my male peers talked about “being queer” in those times. Two of my older sisters (of four) began calling me “sissy” at about the age of 7 or 8. This hurt, but I knew that I was different than most other boys. In high school I met a good friend whose intellectual and musical interests were similar to mine. He was generally thought to be effeminate. He came from a rather strict LDS family (mine were what the church calls “inactive.”) We went through high school together and rarely talked about sex, much less attempted any mutual activity. We were very close and spoke every day. I went off to the Army after two years of college, but he was 4F and was not subject to the draft. In the three years I was in the army, the scales fell from my eyes and I learned that there were good people in the world who were not LDS (I was raised in Salt Lake at the time that it was much more uniformly LDS than it is now.) After a few years in the Army and a wonderful year in Thailand, I began to be able to express my sexuality. On returning to Utah (the U) to finish my education, I found that my friend had become engaged to a lovely young woman, and they were married shortly after I arrived back home. In my last two years of college I was able to come out to a few close friends, my friend among them. He and his new bride were very sweet and understanding for the time and we remained good friends. Interestingly my friend decided by the time he was 35 that he could not longer hide his sexual orientation. He and his wife separated amicably and shared custody of their twin children (a boy and a girl). All three of us remained good friends until his recent death.

    After college I became semi-engaged to a high school classmate, and we dated for a long time, but never had intercourse (my reluctance not hers). During this time I occasionally engaged in somewhat furtive and casual gay sex. Finally, after moving to California together to seek employment after graduation, I was able to come out to her, and apologize for having monopolized so much of her time. She was very hurt at first, but sensibly embarked on a campaign of self-education about the matter. We continued our friendship and she later emigrated to Israel and married there. We remain friends. After a few years of being somewhat sexually active (in the S.F. Bay Area) I finally met a man who became my lover and friend. We remained friends for the rest of his life (he died in the AIDS epidemic in 1986). Since that time I have lived by myself, but I have a large circle of friends, both straight and gay. I have been active in a gay men’s
    chorus for years and have volunteered for an Aids housing charity.

    I want to tell young people that most organized religion is very wrong on the issue of homosexuality. Indeed, all religions are established by human beings, and therefore must carry the flaws that our imperfect species brings to everything. It is my belief that one can live a moral life (following the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.) This is the only jewel of thought that I took away from my study of religion and history over many years. Organized religion is an attempt to bring a form of order on society — but as history proves, religions are in great conflict since each insists it is the only one or the only true path and restricts to itself the judgment of what is right and wrong in society.

    It is my hope that young people reading this who have found themselves troubled by their sexual feelings will take the time and the energy necessary to research the sciences as well as the religious teachings of many cultures. I believe whatever deity
    may exist, that I was made as I am, and that my sexuality is normal for a certain portion of the human race. Anxiety and fear are engendered by others attempting to eliminate or change what is natural and/or different. Hence: racism, cultural prejudice, oppression of the different or the minority abounds. The fine concept of universal love will heal all wounds if given the chance. I have a great relationship with my siblings and most of their children. I am a liberal democrat and some of the children of my one sister who remains LDS have difficulty with that, as I do with their generally right wing beliefs. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and I feel most of them love me too. One phrase I learned not long ago which struck me to the heart is: “God in the little space between friends when they are talking face to face.” I also believe that the truth will make you free, and it is better to come out, if you are gay, than to suppress your true nature.

    My blessing to any and all who read this.

  15. Diesel said

    My heart feels so crushed when I think about young guys and gals like Brennan who know that they’re gay, and I think about what they’re going to go through during the next 10 years of their lives, with Bishops’ interviews, “For the Strength of Youth” (which my ex-father in law helped write), being with missionary companions 24×7, and pressured into marrying.

    That’s what happened to me. I was 52 before I had the courage to come out (courage? self-preservation is more like it, since I was considering suicide). I missed dating hot guys and falling in love with that one love of my life. I thank God every day that He put me into an emotional position that required me to come out. I thank God every day that he made me gay, and that at 53, I still look like I’m in my 30’s, because I can still date a lot of great guys.

    I blame the Church for forcing us to lie to ourselves, and mandating that we marry and ruin several other people’s lives by doing so. (They don’t do that anymore if they know you’re gay. They aren’t supposed to try to change you, and if a Bishop does try, he isn’t following Church policies — I know, I was a High Priest.)

    I’m grateful that my kids support me in my decision to come out, and who love my partner as if he was their own Dad.

    I’ll bookmark this page, and maybe write more later.

  16. Rick said

    Depois de ler muitos dos comentários acima, fico pensando o quanto que deve ser difícil estar assim. Eu também sou assim, tenho atracões por homens. Sou membro da igreja a mais de 10 anos, sou o único de minha família. Fiz uma missão no Brasil, na qual sou muito agradecido pelo tempo que servi. Hoje depois de vir da conferencia, e ouvir os servos do Senhor falar, faz-me saber e confirmar a veracidade da Igreja. Ao pensar no que sinto, muitas vezes penso que seria melhor desistir e seguir esses sentimentos que tenho como que cravados em minha mente. Mas não faço
    . Não faço porque eles não estão no meu coração. Em meu coração tem um sentimento maior de um Pai e um Irmão amoroso que a cada dia me faz lembrar que não estou só e que tudo me servira de experiencia. Eu sei que não à outra igreja na Terra que receba revelação direta de Nosso Pai Celestial, e sabendo disso sei que enquanto O Senhor não falar a sua igreja o que deve ser feito, é porque temos que continuar nos esforçando para ser fiel a Ele. Uma amiga me disse que em um livro publicado por membros da Igreja, diz que antes de vir a Terra, escolhemos algumas dificuldades que queríamos passar aqui, e assim mostraríamos o quanto que amamos a Nosso Pai e Jesus. Se escolhi ser gay aqui,”porque realmente é uma forte prova de fé” eu não me lembro, e se lembrasse deixaria de ser uma prova. Por isso sei, que todo sacrifício é valido. Sei que Deus nos ama, e também sei que é justo e que conhece os desejos de nossos corações, e que pode fazer tudo. Então se ele permite que nós continuemos com esses desejos é porque tem um porque e um proposito. E no final tudo sera esclarecido. Que não sejamos confundidos por pessoas que cansarão de lutar, porque não viemos aqui a essa Terra para sermos perdedores. Nascemos para sermos Rei.
    Continuarei a lutar, me esforçarei para seguir minha benção Patriarcal, sei que ela é uma carta de Deus direta para mim, e que é um mapa para essa vida. Tenho 28 anos e sei que que a felicidade não pode vir desobedecendo aos mandamentos de um Deus, porque sei que existem leis que são imutáveis, e não podemos querer muda-las.
    Deixo meu email para quem quiser conversar comigo.

  17. Alex said

    I´ve been member of the lDS church since I was born . I am brazilian .During my teen years I realized I was gay. Just like other story above , I tried to hide my real identity.I served as a missionary , saw some other gay guys in the field , but never , never tried anything during that period.After my mission I rturned home and my desires where running out of control , I was called to serve with missionaries. Suddenly I felt in love with one missionary, he was one of the most handsome guys I ever met. To my total surprise , he corresponded my feelings, we used to go out together have dinner and “some sex”. It worked that way for almost 9 months when he was transfered to another area. At taht point I used to visit him about twice a month 3 hours away from my home. When he finished his mission , he told me that all that should be put behind .He was going back to Utah , and he had to marry and have a family .I got desperate, I just could not understand. Well , one monmth before his marriage , I visited the US , we arrange to meet each other far from salt lake, WE had 5 days of full happiness dating and having fun . After that he said , please try to forget all this again.WE have this crush , and now that he is married , I don´t want to do again , but I got aphone call from him recently asking me to visit the US . WEll well well , should I go ?

    • DeadTake said

      I am sorry to hear of your crush for this fellow because of your predicament. Your best bet is to possibly try and meet someone else. If it is possible try to get him to come out of the closet because I believe he is ashamed but just not around you.

  18. Dr Izumo Zorc said

    “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” Only a perfect being like God has the right to judge someone else. I was raised to beelieve gthat God loves all his children, regardless of things like gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and even religion. By gay-bashing, you are stating that the previous mentioned fact is wrong. I was raised in a heterosexual household, especially with an anti-gay mom, yet I know I am gay. Being gay is not a sin, it is merely loving someone of your own gender. The commandments never say anything about homosexualtiy, so how is it so wrong? Youcan make the same choices that a heterosexual person can, such as not drinking, smoking, blasphemy, vulgarity, and keeping chaste. There is nothing wrong with being the way God made you, and it’s the people that oppose that that should be asked to leave the church.

  19. Richard said

    I have read all the messages posted so far – some very painful and I feel the need to “reach-out” and make some comments about this sensitive, complex and difficult subject of “same sex” attraction. I personally do not believe a person with a strong “same sex” attraction made this choice to be “gay”. Too many challenges with being discriminated or persecuted to just be “gay” by choice. At some point we may need to make a decision to be honest with our true feelings and our sexuality. Find real support if this “coming-out” process is a realization for you. This website is an excellent resource for help and support. You are not alone!!!
    Sexual identity is crtical to one’s development and quality of life issues. However, I believe an important point to be made here is that we are more than our sexual identity. Think of the wonderful God given talents/gifts you were given. Finding a way to discover those talents, develop them and then deliver them to the world reveals a dynamic process of self-discovery. We begin to truly know ourself and help to move beyond the primary focus of “our sexuality” and onto a higher purpose in life – service to others/etc. And if you happen to meet someone during this dicovery process that you have a strong value agreement with (morales, beliefs, honesty) gay or straight, than you have a good chance of finding companionship. Above all, be very, very kind to yourself! I have read too may suicide notices and worked for many years in the areas of crisis counseling and suicide prevention to know God did not create us to self-destruct. We are a divine creation! We are intended to be here now no matter what our sexual preference. God understands our burdens and he is there for us – always. This is an evolving, complex subject that I don’t think the LDS Chruch can fully understand or has answers to as well as most of society. Don’t let anyone stop you from becoming fully self-actualized and your real potential realized. We are a blessed people. Keep praying and know that you are loved! I hope this has helped. Richard

  20. Jared said

    When I was a little kid i could only manage to make friends with the girls, i played with dolls and sometimes even dressed up. After awakening to what that could mean at about 9 I went through my straight faze where i where i never needed to worry about my sexuality, i never even thought about it. I was just a typical 10 year old who had lots of friends. Then by the time I reached 12 I started to become more curious about the body and well the fact that the Internet was always accessible didn’t help. It started off straight then slowly i found i was more attracted to the guys than the girls figures. I have kept my attractions secret from all my friends and managed to cover it up by claiming i like certain girls, Ive argued with myself that i have just been going through another faze and that i’ll snap out of it but the more time goes on the less I like girls, the more I like guys. Now i’m even starting to get crushes on the really good looking guys at school.
    I really don’t want to be gay nothing would make me more happy than to wake up tomorrow morning and suddenly like girls again. But as many of you will know its not that simple. The prospect of going on a mission is a very daunting thought and is constantly plaguing me. as i am 16 i should be going soon but reading some of the stories above i couldn’t bare coming back in love with another guy! but i cant just neglect going on a mission becouse that would lead to even more questioning from my parents and i dont want to hurt them.
    Coming out isn’t even really an option for me as i feel if i were to tell one person i’m sure that would spread throughout my small, very Mormon (like 95% in the area are), and very close community.

    I don’t know what to do not only do i think i’m gay but i’ve acted on my temptations and looked up stuff i KNOW i shouldn’t be on the internet. Believe me, when Church leaders say pornography is an addiction they aren’t joking.

    Please help me I just want to like girls again

    • Brodster said

      I’m gay I live in a small Mormon comunity in Canada alberta but i’m not Mormon i am 15 I have been attracted to guys ever since I can rember I have even had crushes on good looking guys to and one time I even almost acted out on one whee last year in my grade 9 wood shop class this guy Taran Q we where sitting on a table and I was sanding my project when I look up and he was staring at me and I still catch him staring when I see him staring at me I get butterflys some times he is in my first period social class americans call it history class but we call it social anyways I’m strugling to decide what to do should I act on these feeling or keep them bottled? up?

  21. joe said

    I was born into the cathloc faith and when I was about 5, the mormon missionaries came over and shortily after that, we became mormon. I really enjoyed everything that they were teaching me about families being together forevery. I loved my family very much and still do to this day without doubt. When I was baptised, I had my father do it and that made me feel closer to him knowing that he would be there when I really needed him.

    I learned that we were all sons and daughters and our Heavenily father and that we were all brothers and sisters and they he loved each and everyone of us. That made me feel really really good.

    I was in semenary one morning, half asleep from working and studying when there was a discussion on homosexual. When I heard that, I piped up and listened. They talked about how evil it was and that it was sin of God and that all homosexuals were going to hell. We would not have any say in the matter at all, all homosexuals were and will be going to hell.

    When I heard that, my jaw dropped. They continued and told us about a friend of theirs that was mormon and no longer is due to the fact that they ex-communated him for “Choosing to be gay.”

    “How can somebody do that to somebody that they love?”

    I did not go on a full time mission, but did go on Two short term missions and did learn a lot and am very greatful that I did. I would never trade the experience that I had when I went, I just wished that I could have served a full time mission.

    Now that I am older, I still hold fast on most of the teachings from fasting the first Sunday of every month to praying to keeping my body clean. The only thing I do not hold on to is the homosexual is against Gods law. I know at a very very young age I did not find females sexually attractive. Don’t get me wrong, I can hang out with streight guys and they would not know that I do not find them at all sexually attractive, but I know a beautiful young lady when I see them.

    For the longest time, I lived with the fear of telling my parents and anybody else, so the first one I told was my mother and she was not as shocked as I thought she would be. I told me bishop who talked to me about it and enformed me that I would get a lot of slack from it, but I thougt that I could handel it. About 3 years later, I told me mother that I did not want to go to church anymore.

    She asked me if that is what I wanted to do and if I loved our heavenily father.

    I told her that I loved him dearily, but I can’t be living a lie anymore and that I could no longer hold the calling I had. I was very depressed and lonily and would think about killing myself so that nobody would have to look at me or be around me and that she did not have to worry about me anymore. I told the bishop about it as well and he looked at me and told me.

    “We have programs that I could go to to make me hedrosexual.”

    I told him that there were only two options, one is to kill myself and the other is to just stop coming, so I have not been to the church for many years.

    I have latily grown to miss the church a great deal and have finally read the book of mormon and D&C and pearl of great price and now reading the bible. I wish that there was somewhere I could go so that I can still be mormon, but be happy.

    If anybody knows of a place, please let me know.

  22. Sage said

    well….where to start well i am 14 and well i am mormon…i have a girlfriend who is mormon also i don’t know what i would label myself as i, find guys hot but would never want to do the things i want to do with girls….i have told some friends i am bi but most don’t know…i am terrified of telling my family my mom and my dad would probably except me but my aunt who raised me and is like my mom is VERY mormon and i’m scared she might not like me anymore….i don’t have the best relationship with god…i wish it was better but i will have to do that on my own time….i started liking girls at 11…and most people would think thats early and it is but i have always acted older than i am..and i have a HUGE crush on my best friend Graciela who i love more than anyone…but she is very straight and it is not easy getting over her….well i have alot more stories but thats for another time well bye <3!!

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